I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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