I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
