WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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