ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
