dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
