Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
