i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
