He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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