I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Randomize
