Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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