So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
