I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
