mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Lo siento on account of my penis...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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