rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
