no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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