Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
