i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
