): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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