Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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