nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
