Screwed.edu
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Randomize
