We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just found puke in my bra..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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