I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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