There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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