My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
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Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
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Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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