omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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