dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
