Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
