We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
