She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
