ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
