A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
