Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
