This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
