I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
