My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
