I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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