I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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