I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
