so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
