You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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