I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
