You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Randomize
