HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
