It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
