So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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