I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Drunk is not a location!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
