Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
