We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
