it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
