I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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