I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Randomize
