Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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