There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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