yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
