I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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