He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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